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: Frazzled
Im in a bit of a rut. I warn you all now that this is just me letting off steam and venting anything and everything thats been adding to my overall generally rotten mood as of late. You were saved the rant yesterday because the sheer awesomeness of the unlockable content on the PSN (i have a ps3 now) instantanaeously cheered me up. Today I have no such safety net. Brace for rant.
Im unhappy in my job at the moment. This is nothing new really, but ive been really REALLY depressed lately. Just the thought of having to get up to go there bums me the hell out. But me bieng the bi-polar idiot i am (not official, self diagnosed), I cheer up, then yoyo between so depressed I cant see the point of carrying on, so mad I want to put my fist through the nearest cage (but never a person, my rage always cuts short of hurting other people) and just completely indifferent. Its in part due to the mass inferiority complex Ive accumulated over the past year or so. And I know exactly what kickstarted this, the fire at my old flat.
For those uninitiated, Last year in february, there was a massive fire at my old flat, caused by washing on an airer that fell onto the gas fire. MY washing. Ben was inside and had to leap from a third storey window. he slipped, fell and broke his back. This was my fault. Im not looking for sympathy, i just want to get it clear out in the open that I take total and utter responsibility. Ben bieng the incredible person he is, bears me no ill whatsoever, a fact im, to be hoenst, fucking stunned by since he has every right to cut all ties with a fucktard like me and go about his merry way. But no, hes stayed in touch. But its left me with two unpleasant personality traits which I didnt have beforehand. The aforementioned inferiority complex and the violent mood swings. And the way it was all handled, never getting the information, never even knowing if Ben was ok or not, having to get tidbits of information from his boss who i could never tell if he blamed me or not, first it was hurt his hip, then hurt his back then broken his back and shoulderbone. He has a nasty scar where they had to operate and every time I see it, it hurts. I wish it had been me. I know how fucking cliché that must sound but I truly truly do. Ben didnt deserve that shit. He came home after going out on the town. He shouldnt have had to deal with that kind of fucking thing.
Ive hurt myself during the mood swings, ill admit it here and now. Im not proud of it, but i want to state it wasnt because I was sad, its because i was so infuriated that I though Id hurt someone else, so I directed it onto myself. Only two people questioned my outright lies of "I caught my arm on a cage" or "there was a bent bit of metal on a uni that caught me" when, in all honesty, it was self inflicted. I say again im not proud of it, but I have to do something. The inferiority complex is worsened by the fact I work in a fucking shop. Now, no offense to anyone else who works in retail, but my job is pretty much easy mode retail, theres no customers and all it is is essentially just shelf stacking. And Im shit at it. I want to leave but I know for a damn fact I wouldnt find a better paying job, even IF there wasnt a shitty recession/economic decline.
The worst thing is, I feel as if I have no other options. Its a shitty feeling to be 23 and feel like you're not good enough to do anything but stack shelves and even then not be very good at it. Im far too much of a realist when it comes to future careers, my interests such as writing, photography or something to do with languages, theyre all hardly stable incomes, hardly something I can live off. And how do I keep myself fed while I trained for something like that? All ive ever known is the working life, I dont have thta kind of experience and Im not getting any younger. Im hardwired with such a fucking fear of getting into trouble with money (gee thanks mum) that I dont dare quit my day job. Id go to college or uni, but whats the point? I didnt know what i wanted to do when i was 17, i damn sure dont know now im 23 and the only advantages I have are that Im older, uglier and have longer hair. I hate worrying over these kinds of things but its so deep in my psyche I cant dig it out. And I stand at a crossroad, or at least theres one approaching fast in august time and I cant help but feel selfish when I worry about things. My girlfriend Rachel and a very good mate of mine Iain and his fiance, we're all planning to move in together but im racked with all kinds of worries.
I had to move in with my little sister which is the third place ive lived after the fire (the first bieng with my mum, the second a fantastic house with two lovely girls and now with my sister). I had to leave the second because of work. Due to a newly improvised system, they were questioning the need for a night team, aka MY team. for SIX FUCKING MONTHS they kept us on a leash, threatening us, holding it over our heads, ranking us most likely to be made redundant...and then...nothing. They didnt do a fucking thing. I was so out of my mind with worry that I moved out of a great house and in with my little sister to hide in her backroom like an afterthought. its a saddening experience to see your entire life crammed into a tiny room. For the first few weeks it was all I could do to move around, I was sat on boxes of my manga and DVDs to play my ps3.
Back to my apprehension about moving in with Rachel and co, everyone else ive lived, Ive lost contact with, Ben bieng the exception. i hardly talk to any of them and Im terrified Im going to be a burden to live with and that they'll go off me, which I dont want, especially Iain and Kim, who're good mates of mine. But I know its likely since its happened with everyone else ive lived with.
Next up, Pete, my supervisor is leaving. At first, I was pleased, hes a patronising motherfucker who contributes largely to my inferiority complex. But then I thought about it more and felt a bit like how i imagine lex luthor'd feel if superman died, you get my metaphor. Worse still, I dread his replacement. I firmly believe its his disdain for the company thats allowed me to keep my job as long as I have. That or they just honestly cant afford to replace me and need to keep me for profits sakes. If they replace him with someone more hardcore, I dont rate my chances.
I cant be bothered to complain anymore, Im far too tired and I need to sleep before I head off to work in 9 hours. Dont worry too much about it, I mean jesus, I dont even know whos on my friend list on this thing anyways besides Tom, Sam, Rob and now Lozzie. As I said this is just me blowing off steam.
Im in a bit of a rut. I warn you all now that this is just me letting off steam and venting anything and everything thats been adding to my overall generally rotten mood as of late. You were saved the rant yesterday because the sheer awesomeness of the unlockable content on the PSN (i have a ps3 now) instantanaeously cheered me up. Today I have no such safety net. Brace for rant.
Im unhappy in my job at the moment. This is nothing new really, but ive been really REALLY depressed lately. Just the thought of having to get up to go there bums me the hell out. But me bieng the bi-polar idiot i am (not official, self diagnosed), I cheer up, then yoyo between so depressed I cant see the point of carrying on, so mad I want to put my fist through the nearest cage (but never a person, my rage always cuts short of hurting other people) and just completely indifferent. Its in part due to the mass inferiority complex Ive accumulated over the past year or so. And I know exactly what kickstarted this, the fire at my old flat.
For those uninitiated, Last year in february, there was a massive fire at my old flat, caused by washing on an airer that fell onto the gas fire. MY washing. Ben was inside and had to leap from a third storey window. he slipped, fell and broke his back. This was my fault. Im not looking for sympathy, i just want to get it clear out in the open that I take total and utter responsibility. Ben bieng the incredible person he is, bears me no ill whatsoever, a fact im, to be hoenst, fucking stunned by since he has every right to cut all ties with a fucktard like me and go about his merry way. But no, hes stayed in touch. But its left me with two unpleasant personality traits which I didnt have beforehand. The aforementioned inferiority complex and the violent mood swings. And the way it was all handled, never getting the information, never even knowing if Ben was ok or not, having to get tidbits of information from his boss who i could never tell if he blamed me or not, first it was hurt his hip, then hurt his back then broken his back and shoulderbone. He has a nasty scar where they had to operate and every time I see it, it hurts. I wish it had been me. I know how fucking cliché that must sound but I truly truly do. Ben didnt deserve that shit. He came home after going out on the town. He shouldnt have had to deal with that kind of fucking thing.
Ive hurt myself during the mood swings, ill admit it here and now. Im not proud of it, but i want to state it wasnt because I was sad, its because i was so infuriated that I though Id hurt someone else, so I directed it onto myself. Only two people questioned my outright lies of "I caught my arm on a cage" or "there was a bent bit of metal on a uni that caught me" when, in all honesty, it was self inflicted. I say again im not proud of it, but I have to do something. The inferiority complex is worsened by the fact I work in a fucking shop. Now, no offense to anyone else who works in retail, but my job is pretty much easy mode retail, theres no customers and all it is is essentially just shelf stacking. And Im shit at it. I want to leave but I know for a damn fact I wouldnt find a better paying job, even IF there wasnt a shitty recession/economic decline.
The worst thing is, I feel as if I have no other options. Its a shitty feeling to be 23 and feel like you're not good enough to do anything but stack shelves and even then not be very good at it. Im far too much of a realist when it comes to future careers, my interests such as writing, photography or something to do with languages, theyre all hardly stable incomes, hardly something I can live off. And how do I keep myself fed while I trained for something like that? All ive ever known is the working life, I dont have thta kind of experience and Im not getting any younger. Im hardwired with such a fucking fear of getting into trouble with money (gee thanks mum) that I dont dare quit my day job. Id go to college or uni, but whats the point? I didnt know what i wanted to do when i was 17, i damn sure dont know now im 23 and the only advantages I have are that Im older, uglier and have longer hair. I hate worrying over these kinds of things but its so deep in my psyche I cant dig it out. And I stand at a crossroad, or at least theres one approaching fast in august time and I cant help but feel selfish when I worry about things. My girlfriend Rachel and a very good mate of mine Iain and his fiance, we're all planning to move in together but im racked with all kinds of worries.
I had to move in with my little sister which is the third place ive lived after the fire (the first bieng with my mum, the second a fantastic house with two lovely girls and now with my sister). I had to leave the second because of work. Due to a newly improvised system, they were questioning the need for a night team, aka MY team. for SIX FUCKING MONTHS they kept us on a leash, threatening us, holding it over our heads, ranking us most likely to be made redundant...and then...nothing. They didnt do a fucking thing. I was so out of my mind with worry that I moved out of a great house and in with my little sister to hide in her backroom like an afterthought. its a saddening experience to see your entire life crammed into a tiny room. For the first few weeks it was all I could do to move around, I was sat on boxes of my manga and DVDs to play my ps3.
Back to my apprehension about moving in with Rachel and co, everyone else ive lived, Ive lost contact with, Ben bieng the exception. i hardly talk to any of them and Im terrified Im going to be a burden to live with and that they'll go off me, which I dont want, especially Iain and Kim, who're good mates of mine. But I know its likely since its happened with everyone else ive lived with.
Next up, Pete, my supervisor is leaving. At first, I was pleased, hes a patronising motherfucker who contributes largely to my inferiority complex. But then I thought about it more and felt a bit like how i imagine lex luthor'd feel if superman died, you get my metaphor. Worse still, I dread his replacement. I firmly believe its his disdain for the company thats allowed me to keep my job as long as I have. That or they just honestly cant afford to replace me and need to keep me for profits sakes. If they replace him with someone more hardcore, I dont rate my chances.
I cant be bothered to complain anymore, Im far too tired and I need to sleep before I head off to work in 9 hours. Dont worry too much about it, I mean jesus, I dont even know whos on my friend list on this thing anyways besides Tom, Sam, Rob and now Lozzie. As I said this is just me blowing off steam.
Current Music: Repo! the genetic opera
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